


I'm the light blinking at the end of the road, blink back to let me know

by StayAliveFrens (TP3319)



Series: Mint Chocolate Chip Universe [2]
Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Getting Together, Joshler in the background, M/M, Oneshot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-28 09:12:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19809223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TP3319/pseuds/StayAliveFrens
Summary: Ryan doesn't really know what to expect when he shows up at Brendon's door, but a random British guy definitely isn't it.A very fluffy and cliche oneshot, set in the 'Mint Chocholate Chip' universe. Can be read on its own, though it works a lot better with the original fic. There's a brief refresher of everything that's important to understand the story in the notes.





	I'm the light blinking at the end of the road, blink back to let me know

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Always by Panic! At The Disco.
> 
> SPOILERS FOR MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP! At some point, Tyler, his boyfriend Josh, his friend Brendon and his neighbor Ryan went to a lake house in Florida together. On this trip, Brendon and Ryan shared a kiss. However, the next day, Ryan got a phonecall that his father, who's been sick for some time, has passed away. Ryan, who has grown up in a homophobic family that blamed his sexuality for his father's illness in his shock connects his father's death with the kiss and blames Brendon for everything. Brendon gets angry and leaves back to Ohio where he used to live with Tyler. Eventually, Brendon and Ryan apologize and start talking on the phone again. Meanwhile, Tyler and Josh decide to move back to Ohio and while they're waiting for the plane, Ryan suddenly joins them, telling them that he plans on showing up at Brendon's hoping that he can stay there.
> 
> So this is just a quick oneshot I wrote because I felt inspired and had time. I visited Florida recently (partly because of MCC) and it really reignited my love for the time I spent writing in this universe.

Ryan looks around again. He hopes no one can see him as he's pacing up and down in front of the door. He's lost count of how many times he's passed in front of the doors.

He hasn't come all this way to chicken out in front of his door. And he can't go back to Tyler without even trying. Tyler was nice enough to talk the student at the door to let Ryan in. The least Ryan can do is try. But he's nervous. He's been building up his hopes for this moment for so long, to have them crushed...

The elevator door pings and out steps a slim blond guy and smiles nicely at Ryan. Ryan smiles back and decides to wait for the guy to go to his room, but the guy seems to walk straight toward Ryan.

'Hi, are you searching for Brendon or me?' the guy asks with an impeccable British accent. It takes a few seconds for Ryan's racing mind to register that somebody as talking to him.

'Uhm, no, I'm just waiting for someone,' Ryan murmurs dismissingly, just wanting for the guy to leave so he can continue his pacing.

'Oh, okay, I was just wondering because you're standing next to our door,' the guy shrugs and enters Brendon's dorm. Ryan can feel the moment the words register and his heart sinks and his mind feels with anger, echoing 'our door' over and over.

Brendon's moved on. He already has a roommate and a hot British guy at that. What the actual fuck? How there he. True, he didn't know Ryan was coming, but he could've waited a few more days before getting himself a fuck buddy. Not that there's any indication that they're fucking, but from what Tyler told him about Brendon, it's more than possible.

Ryan tries to calm down. No need to get angry. It might be nothing. But he can't well ask Brendon that. He's come all this way, but he can't. Ryan sighs, shakes his head in disappointment in himself and calls the elevator. Tyler's gonna be mad, but he just can't do it now.

Tyler and Josh are sipping on their Starbucks, talking lively. They look so cute together, Ryan thinks, but he can't help feeling a pang of envy at the sight. He wants to find something like what they have at some point.

'Back already?' Tyler asks when he sees him. 'How'd it go?'

Ryan shakes his head. He can see Tyler's smile drop before he clarifies: 'I couldn't do it. He's moved on.'

Tyler's expression shifts to one of confusion.

'What do you mean, 'he's moved on'?' he asks.

'He has a roommate,' Ryan spits, more angrily than he wanted. 'A hot British guy.'

'That doesn't mean anything,' Tyler shakes his head. 'Just talk to him. Even if he doesn't feel the same, which I doubt, he'll be nice about it. I'm sure he'll take being the object of your affection as an honor.'

Ryan furrows his brow in thought. Tyler has a point. But it would help immensely if Ryan knew what sort of relationship Brendon had with the British guy.

'Uhm, could you do me a favor?' Ryan asks carefully.

Tyler nods while he sips the last of his coffee.

'You go talk to Brendon and try to find out what the deal with the British guy is. Then you come back out and if nothing's going on, I go in and talk to Brendon. If he's got a thing for the British guy, it's best if he doesn't even know I'm here,' Ryan explains his plan.

'Fine, I'll talk to him. But no excuses. You guys are meant to be together,' Tyler agrees, jumping off the wall he's been sitting on.

'Good luck!' Josh yells behind them as they make their way into the dorm building.

'I don't know, I'm starting to think all of this is not a good idea. That I'm rushing into things and Brendon will want to just be friends and I'm just making things awkward,' Ryan babbles as they wait for the elevator to arrive.

'Brendon? Just be friends?' Tyler laughs and enters the lift. 'He's never fallen for anyone the way he has for you.'

'I hope you're right,' Ryan sighs. The elevator comes to a stop and Ryan's heart suddenly starts racing. Deep down he knows he's only stalling. They exit the elevator and Ryan hides on the stairwell.

'I'm gonna wait here in case Brendon opens the door. You do your thing. And don't tell him I'm here,' Ryan whispers, though there's really no need to whisper.

'Okay,' Tyler agrees and goes to knock on Brendon's door. A fatal sound that Ryan has pictured himself making so many times. It doesn't take long for the doors to open.

'Tyler, you've arrived! How was the trip? Do you have a place picked out already?' Brendon asks happily. Ryan wishes he'll be that happy to see him too.

'The trip was smooth. And we have a place, yes, but we haven't moved in, yet. Can we talk inside?' Tyler says and Ryan can hear them shuffling inside and doors closing.

Ryan's heart is going like crazy now. A part of him wants Tyler to tell him the British guy in Brendon's new boyfriend so he can start moving on, but then again, just the thought of that makes his heart break. As nerve-wracking as asking Brendon out is, he'd much rather take a shot at that than see Brendon with someone else.

The doors open suddenly and to Ryan's surprise, he hears Brendon's voice: 'Ryan?'

Ryan closes his eyes and hits his head against the wall. Damn it. No pretending now.

'Tyler! I told you not to tell him!' Ryan shouts, only half in anger. In a way, he's happy he doesn't need to build up his courage anymore. It's too late to back off now.

'Sorry!' Tyler apologizes. Wether he told Brendon on purpose or he slipped up, Ryan doesn't know, but frankly, he doesn't care.

'Ryan! Get your ass over here!' Brendon shout with an urgency, similar to the one Ryan felt on the ride over here. Without a thought, Ryan comes out of hiding and walks toward Brendon. He can't even look him in the eye, from shame, fear or simply nervousness, he can't tell.

'Hey, Ryan, how are you?' Brendon asks as he takes Ryan into a soft embrace. The reaction takes Ryan completely by surprise. He was expecting a 'What are you doing here?' or 'Why have you come?' but definitely not this.

'I'm good, thanks. You?' Ryan answers carefully, still taken aback by the hug.

'I'm great now. Confused, but great,' Brendon says before letting go of Ryan. 'Ryan, what's going on?' There's no anger in his voice, just disbelief.

'I'm moving to Columbus,' Ryan explains simply. He'll hopefully have time to get into details later.

'That's good. That way we can see each other any time,' Brendon beams. He seems genuinely happy.

'If you'd want to, that is,' he adds then, his expression serious now.

'I'd love to,' Ryan answers, unsure to what he's agreeing to, but willing to go all in. Maybe it's just friendship, maybe they've just started a relationship, but whatever it is, it's not 'fuck off back to Florida' that Ryan feared.

'So where are you staying?' Brendon asks. Ryan finally dares to look at Brendon's face. Brendon is staring at him intently, but there's a slight smile playing at his lips.

'Uhm, that's the thing,' Ryan starts. Here goes nothing. 'I don't have a place to stay, yet. I was kinda wondering if I could stay with you, but you have a roommate, so…'

'Dom?' Brendon asks and Ryan nods. Although he doesn't know who Dom is, he guesses Brendon's referring to the British guy.

'He's only staying for a few weeks. His mates from high school are forming a band and he's going back to England to join,' Brendon explains. Ryan can feel a cage around his lungs lifting, breathing suddenly easier as a wave of relief washes over him. Of course Brendon is harboring a wayward musician. But this doesn't mean anything. Ryan forces himself to not get too excited, looking at the ground as to not let Brendon see just how relieved he is.

‘You’re more than welcome to stay here if you want to, though,’ Brendon adds then. Fuck it. Ryan looks at Brendon, a smile he can’t quite contain playing on his lips. Brendon smiles back, a sight that makes Ryan’s heart race and his lips smile wider.

‘I’d love that,’ Ryan says quietly, not wanting to break the moment. He’s so distracted by Brendon’s smile, his eyes not even hiding the fact he’s staring at his lips. He remembers their kiss, for the first time without the bitter taste of the aftermath. He remembers Brendon’s soft lips on his, the way his mind started racing at the unfamiliarity of new sensation, caught in a loop of implications, but there was something in it, that stopped him from pulling back or pushing away. A want of sorts, a want to explore, to accept, to stop that racing mind of his. But then Brendon looks away, his smile fading, his gaze fixing somewhere behind Ryan.

‘Uhm, if we’re going to be roommates, there’s something you should know,’ Brendon says carefully. Not the loud and proud Brendon Ryan is used to. He seems solemn, even a bit nervous. Ryan braces himself for bad news. There’s never good news when people say ‘there’s something you should know’.

Brendon’s eyes suddenly fix on Ryan’s and the intensity in them takes Ryan by surprise. It’s like watching a spark turn into fire.

‘I still have feelings for you. I won’t act upon them if you don’t want me to, but it’s only fair that you know if we’re going to live together,’ Brendon states, his gaze still defiantly holding Ryan’s eyes. Ryan’s rarely been speechless in his life. But in all the ways he pictured this day to go, he never thought of Brendon being the one to initiate the ‘feelings’ talk. There’s been a lot less sly remarks and a lot more sentimental conversation than Ryan’s expected from Brendon.

Ryan can see the intensity in Brendon’s eyes fade while he’s searching for words. It’s a few seconds, but to both of them, it feels like eternity. Everything in Ryan is screaming of joy, but for some reason, he can’t bring himself to smile. The emotions are too intense to simply translate to happiness in his mind.

‘What would happen if I returned those feelings?’ Ryan finally asks, trying his best to seem casual. He doubts professing the depth of his feelings would go over well. The spark in Brendon’s eyes reignites and a faint shadow of a smile appears on Brendon’s lips, but it is clear he’s holding his excitement back.

‘That would make me very happy,’ Brendon answers quietly. Ryan smiles at the answer. It doesn’t tell him anything technical, but it tells him everything he needs to know.

‘I want to make you happy,’ Ryan professes. He can feel the truth in his words. It is what it comes down to – he wants Brendon to be happy and in turn that will bring happiness to himself as well. It’s as simple as that.

‘Yeah?’ Brendon asks, but Ryan knows full well that Brendon understands exactly what Ryan means. He nods anyway and Brendon looks at the ground and giggles. It’s the most unrestrained display of emotion Ryan’s seen from Brendon, even more so than that time Brendon got angry at the lake house. It’s infectious and Ryan can’t help but smile as well. They stand there for a while and Ryan lets the anxiety wash away from his body. Suddenly, he feels tired and all he wants is to lay on the couch and maybe cuddle with Brendon. He’s excited for the future and the idea of moving to Ohio stops feeling like a step in the dark and becomes the only possible decision he could’ve made. He can’t imagine staying in Florida for one more day, this is where he belongs. He’s home now.

‘So, you’re staying here?’ Brendon asks then. Ryan was rather enjoying the moment, but they do need to figure some stuff out.

‘I’d love to, but I can find somewhere else to stay while Dom is here,’ Ryan answers. It would be really unfair to throw Dom out because of this. Tyler and Josh might let him sleep on their couch, which would be a bit awkward, but it’s only for a few weeks.

‘You can stay in my bed. If you want to. And I don’t mean it in a sexual way. I mean, you know, when you’re ready and all that. I just mean physically in the bed. Sleeping. I mean, we’ve done that before. Though that bed was bigger,’ Brendon proposes. He’s talking fast and stammering a bit. Ryan furrows his brow in confusion. This is very unlike Brendon.

‘Brendon, are you nervous?’ Ryan asks. He’s been acting weird ever since he got here. A lot more serious and less confident than usual.

‘A bit, yes,’ Brendon says with a sheepish smile. It’s a sight that leaves Ryan speechless.

‘I just really don’t want you to leave,’ Brendon confesses. ‘I’ve dreamt about this moment for so long, just of being with you and if you leave now, the whole fantasy is going to fall apart.’

It’s a weird sentiment, but Ryan knows exactly what Brendon means. This finally happened and leaving now would be like waiting for Christmas and finding out you got exactly what you wanted, but then leaving it under the tree for a few more weeks. It just doesn’t make sense.

‘It’s okay, I’m not leaving,’ Ryan decides with a smile. ‘We can share the bed. Like good old times.’

Brendon smiles back, visibly relieved.

‘I just need to get my stuff. Just wait for me inside,’ Ryan announces and moves away. It’s actually hard, moving away from Brendon when all he wants is to be closer.

‘Damn it, Ryan. You’ll see him again in five minutes,’ Ryan thinks to himself, convincing his pathetic brain to break eye contact and go. He doesn’t get far though. At the top of the stairs, there’s his suitcase and backpack with a post-it note.

‘Told you things will work out. Call if you need anything. -T’

Ryan smiles at the sight. At least someone had faith in him. He drags his stuff back to Brendon’s door and knocks. Brendon’s apparently just gotten inside as he opens the door instantly.

‘Back already?’ Brendon asks in confusion.

‘Tyler,’ Ryan simply explains and Brendon laughs. Brendon takes the backpack from Ryan. It’s a simple room, two beds, two desks, a wardrobe, a cabinet with a cooking plate and doors to the bathroom. It will be crammed with the three of them, but Ryan doesn’t really mind it. After years of living in a big and empty house, he’s looking forward to change.

‘Hey, Dom, this is Ryan,’ Brendon says to the lean blond guy that’s sitting on one of the beds with a laptop in his lap. ‘Ryan, this is Dominic.’

‘Hey,’ Dominic says with a beaming smile and stands up to give Ryan a handshake. He doesn’t mention the awkward encounter in front of the door earlier and Ryan’s thankful for that.

‘Hey, nice to meet you,’ Ryan returns politely and shakes Dom’s hand.

‘He’ll be staying with us. In my bed. Promise we won’t be loud when you’re here,’ Brendon explains and winks at Ryan. Ryan smiles. That’s the Brendon he knows. By this point, it’s clear to him that Brendon’s confident and cheeky personality is just a façade. Brendon thrives on attention. He’s a born entertainer, making people laugh or gasp in shock with his constant jokes and unrestrained sexuality. It’s his protection, so he doesn’t need to open up because he makes what’s on the surface so entertaining people don’t really care what’s underneath. The fact he let Ryan see the emotion and the nerves that are there, no walls to protect him, only sinks in now.

‘It doesn’t bother me, I just hope I’m not too much of a nuisance. If you want me to stay out, just let me know. I’m just here for a few weeks, then you’ll have all the privacy of a student dorm room,’ Dom says, still smiling. Though Ryan was on the fence about the whole ‘the two of them and a random British guy’ situation, Dom doesn’t seem so bad.

‘Thanks, mate, but this is the one I don’t want to rush,’ Brendon confesses, still looking straight at Ryan. It’s an oddly intimate moment to share in front of a stranger, but then again, if they’re going to be living together, Ryan must stop thinking about him as a stranger. Dom apparently feels the tension too, as he closes his laptop and takes it in his hands.

‘Well, I was just about to go to the library anyway. I’m sure you have a lot to talk through,’ Dom says and excuses himself. He’s got a way with words to not make things as awkward as they could’ve been. He’d actually be good with Brendon, Ryan thinks, not that he wants that.

Ryan puts the suitcase in the corner and sits on the bed that is now apparently Brendon’s and his. He sighs deeply as Brendon sits down next to him.

‘Now I need to settle everything with the administration since I’m not actually a student here. I might try to get a job at the campus though, I hope that’ll help my case,’ Ryan starts planning, but every bone in his body is protesting the though of getting up again. The flight and emotionally draining conversation really took a toll on him.

‘I’m so tired, though,’ Ryan confesses with a yawn. Brendon caresses his back tenderly. It’s so soothing, it almost brings tears to Ryan’s eyes.

‘We can do all of that tomorrow. Just relax. Today has been a long day,’ Brendon proposes. Ryan nods. Tomorrow is another day.

‘You’re right,’ Ryan agrees and lets himself fall back on the bed. Brendon smiles at him and lies down next to him, careful to avoid any physical contact. They lie there for a few minutes, just looking at each other. Ryan could get used to this. It’s so weird how quickly he stopped thinking about Brendon as a friend and as a lover instead.

‘How are you, really?’ Brendon asks quietly, making sure not to burst the bubble of intimacy they’ve built. ‘You know, with your father…’

‘He’s dead,’ Ryan states. He knows that’s not what Brendon’s asking, but it’s the truth.

‘I know. I’m sorry. I meant the homophobia part. I’m not gonna rush you into anything, but you are entering a gay relationship and your father…’ Brendon tries again. He knows it’s a sensitive topic, but they need to clear the air.

‘He’s dead,’ Ryan repeats, this time more decisively. ‘I’m gay. I’ve always been gay, my father never changed that, not with his life or his death. He might’ve done me more bad than good, but I don’t resent him. He thought he was doing the right thing. He was massively misguided and that rubbed off on me. Enough to make me hate myself for being who I am. But I was never in denial, I was just filled with hate.’

‘I’m so sorry to hear that,’ Brendon says, his expression one of hurt as he’s listening to Ryan’s story.

‘I know. And I’m sorry I lashed out at the lake house. No sob story can excuse that,’ Ryan apologizes and closes his eyes, revisiting that dark moment.

‘Ryan, don’t apologize. You acted out of fear, it’s perfectly understandable. And I should’ve understood that then, but I didn’t. Knowing I have contributed to the shit your parents put you through… I never should’ve forced that kissed when you weren’t ready,’ Brendon apologizes back. They’ve apologized before, but with a newly added layer of the romantic feelings, it brings a new perspective.

‘You couldn’t have known how fucked up I am. And you didn’t force anything. That kiss, I wanted it. In that moment, I was ready to throw my family away, I was ready to fully embrace who I am,’ Ryan confesses. ‘It was my first gay kiss and the first kiss that mattered. I remember thinking how I’m past it, how I can make out with a guy without the feelings of guilt and panic. If it weren’t for that terrible coincidence…’

‘I didn’t know that. That it was your first gay kiss. I’m honored,’ Brendon comments with a smile. ‘Was it good?’

‘I have nothing to compare it to,’ Ryan answers carefully, unsure as to why Brendon’s asking.

‘You want some more source material?’ Brendon asks then, a mischievous spark in his eyes as they obviously drop to Ryan’s lips, clearly stating his intent. Ryan has to smile at the wording.

‘Only if you stop calling your kisses ‘source material’,’ Ryan answers, already leaning closer. He’s half waiting for a feeling of panic to set off in the back of his head, but there is none. Whether it’s a change of place, Brendon or just the passage of time, he feels safe now.

Ryan closes his eyes before their lips meet. He lets Brendon’s tongue move languidly against his own. It’s a slow, but sure kiss, one that promises no rush and many more to come. Brendon’s hand wanders into Ryan’s hair, tugging gently as they pull apart.

‘Mmm,’ Ryan murmurs, trying to think of a witty comeback or comparison, but decides to cut the bullshit.

‘Thank you for bringing me back,’ Ryan whispers. He doesn’t mean here as in Ohio, he was never here before. He means the state of mind, the safety and self-acceptance. Brendon nods.

‘Thank you for coming back,’ he whispers back and Ryan knows he understands. They lie there for a few more minutes, Brendon still playing with Ryan’s hair, but after a while, tiredness begins to consume Ryan and his eyes keep fluttering shut. He tries to keep them open, to spend as much time with Brendon as possible.

‘Shhhh, relax, let’s just go to sleep,’ Brendon whispers, noticing Ryan’s tired gaze. Ryan smiles at the idea of sleeping in Brendon’s arms. He nods and closes his eyes, letting Brendon’s caresses lull him to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to make any suggestions about possible oneshots I could write in this universe. I was thinking of a smut Joshler fic, set in Ohio after MCC. Let me know if you're interested, though it might take a while before it's written (at least until September).


End file.
